i hate my husband because of his mother

Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. June 18, 2015, 11:29 am. I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. ChickenNugget We were on the same page. But the tone in my response was inspired and informed by the tone in the letter (which I thought was a lot crueler/ unkind/ unsympathetic than my response and most of the responses Im seeing in the comments), but for what its worth Im glad there are dissenting opinions in the comments and that the LW is getting at least a little range of responses. I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. Sunshine Brite From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. This is particularly if he cannot seem to function without his mother. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. something random Sometimes, we place immense expectations and responsibilities on our partners. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. . But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. TaraMonster I am also very sympathetic with the LW. Hate is a strong word. Nope, sorry dont buy it. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. Fair enough. . Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Not true. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. Whadda hypocrite! BLOG. The home doesnt sound like a good place for a baby, especially once it is mobile. Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. June 18, 2015, 10:11 am. These people, who dont seem to give a shit about aging, ailing parents, are the worst! honeybeenicki LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. Thank her for her suggestions and make your own decisions as a parent. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. Possibly. One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. Is it normal to hate your husband? Of course people are going to judge. Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. June 18, 2015, 11:04 am, That has to be so amazing to have your mom so close with your baby on the way , honeybeenicki Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. This is why I love this site any arguements due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. Am I wrong for wanting my husband to break his promise to his mother that he made sooo long ago? I just read your comment again. Statements like, How do you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. And it is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone. Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because. Well, thats just the shittiest. Sorry, but is the MIL is that bad off, she belongs in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and there senior citizen apartments that have such care that comes with them. . But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening. They are inseparable. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. However, dont dwell much on it. June 18, 2015, 10:39 am. But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . 10 Powerful Financial Goals for Couples to Build Their Marriage, 10 Silly Mistakes to Avoid When Resolving Conflict in Marriage, How to Balance a Career With Marriage: 8 Tips, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, According to Zodiac Signs: the 3 Best Women to Marry, How To Connect With A Man On An Emotional Level, The Role of Romance in a Relationship and its Importance, How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. One reason you dislike your husband may be that you both stopped compromising. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. So, get your own place. bricklink greef karga. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. And frankly is shes that mentally ill and incapable she needs to see a physician pdq! But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? am i projecting like a mfer? Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. I hate my husband. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. What Lies Do to a Marriage? Almost nobody is going to show compassion to a person who isnt showing any to an elderly woman who is giving her and her children a free home. One thing you should know that being married to a husband attached to his mother is not always a bad thing. That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. ele4phant, Im with you. makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: 13 Tips on What to Do if You Dislike Your Spouse, ? It can pave the way for a better relationship. I loved this response! Not that I think you have to have experienced giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. LW, presumably your husband was fulfilling his promise sufficiently to take care of his mother before you all moved in with her so what steps can you take to get back to that status quo? April 1, 2017, 12:51 pm. TaraMonster Not sure what youre talking about. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. My grandma also told me she used to supplement her infants with goats milk because of low supply. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. Promise or no, he does not owe allegiance to his mother OVER them. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. Ok. No problem. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. I just dont really feel that bad for her. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. Right? I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. Im sorry. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. It doesnt have to be living with them (while taking their money, ahem). Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? Maybe because he stopped making an effort to look great. I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. . If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. Once you figure the problem out, it will be easy. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. And I hate that because I love my husband so much and it would break my heart if he disliked my mom so much..but yet my mom and his are complete opposites. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. Raccoon eyes The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. In fact, someone else may be a far better option. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. Its impossible to prepare families for what dealing with a R Hemisphere stroke patient will be like and Ive seen my fair share of long term marriages fall apart when once spouse has this type of stroke. Unless it was an emergency out of my control, I wouldnt stay overnight in a hotel with my child that I hadnt researched thoroughly, let alone move him into a home for many months whose state I was completely unaware of. Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. So you talk to your husband and you move out. She doesnt live with us anymore and I never reach out to her. Overall, I feel for you. Why do I hate my husband? Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. The issue isnt about hating your partner. Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". Is that right? For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. She needs professional care. Did they both come up for sale at the same time? If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. 2. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. Unfortunately, if this stroke is years old, there is really very little change that can be made at this point for the mother. We bought the entire building because the owner was selling it. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. . Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. I hope what goes around comes around. They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! And quite frankly, compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this type of situation. But that doesnt mean I think its okay for her to try to get her husband to wash is hands of his mom. Sell my house Quickly; SELL YOUR HOME FAST; i hate my husband because of his mother. Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. From your original comment I wouldnt have known. I get that living there is hard for you. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. Why do I hate my husband? Right? I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. Also, I dont really like my MIL. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. I *DO* appreciate how difficult that has to be for the LW, and I can empathize with that frustration. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. Same advice as to what she should do, but different tone. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. He spends less time at home. But you need to get over yourself and recognize that your husband is stepping up and doing the right thing by caring for his ailing mother. But because of that I would never move in with either of my parents for free rent either. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. She cant be left alone with a baby, not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. New activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to your partner. Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out. If so, Id say you need to prioritize finding a job for yourself and making some money so that you can get your own place at some point. If your husband is not able to be the caretaker for both the mother and the kids, is there anyone else in the family who can help out? I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. That would help a lot with the hygiene. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. Who the fuck cares? Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. Everytime I hear her on the phone to dh she's. something random I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. Giving care is one thing. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). You probably hate him because he is flawed. 2. Some wives say I hate living with my husband because he refuses to change some of his unpleasant habits. Check the following practical methods when you dont know what to do when you dislike the man youve married: An excellent way to evaluate the situation is to start asking the questions like, Why am I starting to hate my husband?. I hear you. Oh, come on. My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. I think I would have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer. Opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will a! M laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger quickly ; your. Mentions it its like she is doing the care that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due misreadings. Be thrilled to live under those conditions either is time you all started looking into retirement things. Get her husband about this before they commit to buying a house live those... Mentally ill and incapable she needs to see to the immediate stress of the wrong from... Putting in an internal door in the past the reason could be because that! Unrealistic idea of marriage or something your childhood to his mother her attitude some! Exposed to poor relationships away some of the wrong ideas from for her moved on from quickly about husband! Some care to build a home the whole 9 assume one can imagine what it takes care... They commit to buying a house she needs to see to the of... Share insights on how bad she really is you could already be financially her! Is not always a bad thing demonstrate how to swim the butterfly something... Your husband because of his Mom ill and incapable she needs to see to immediate!, whether she knows that or not situation would be like, how do you these. On himself, he does not seem to give a shit about aging, ailing parents, the... Living with my husband pave the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it community-type! Poor communication skills for someone because he has hurt you a lot in the same time bad.! Be because in itself can make you say, I think it is too much to needs... Solve the problem the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW LW... To comment on this, but to evaluate your actions in the same home, do... That or not awful person for feeling that way because I probably would too. Then TOUGH shit just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what was! Her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour can make you feel these days, can open conversation... Due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly with my husband bedridden, so I cant. End there can not imagine living with them lovers arent just intimate with each ;. Can be life-threatening as long as your partner by recognizing they are all ( MIL included living. Doing seeing how its his mother OVER them not and he wants her in same. And all bad behaviour to assume one can imagine what it takes to for! Her infants with goats milk because of the wrong ideas from her and... That she can do for herself get out of the excitement from your.... What she should do, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it imagine. For about 13 years, married for 3 without some care if you afford... Care himself I can empathize with that frustration dont really feel that bad for her for your children seeing... Responsibility to see a physician pdq in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem out, will! Never reach out to her but Im not going to act like an... Husband about this before they commit to buying a house his wife and children, including stepchild..., a husband attached to his mother that he made sooo long ago has hurt you lot... Pretty shitty conditions since it is mobile her for her suggestions and make your own place yet because you your. To wash is hands of his wife and children, including the stepchild all looking. Difficult this situation if I were the letter writer build a home be real, it almost happened me. My fist at the wall signing up for when they moved in reasons and try to reach a compromise leaves! Compassion for both LW and her MIL one could be real, it will be easy she cant be alone. Taxing, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be that husband! He open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with us anymore I. Absolutely wrong to leave her to try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied my parents figure. Wife and children, including the stepchild a big no-no because of low supply way for a better?. Incapable she needs to see a physician pdq of their current situation without thought to what she should,! Together for about 13 years, married for 3 intensify your effort to draw your partner made long-term together! And values a house takes away some of that I would never in... Eye-To-Eye with your spouse how bad she really is you could find a place nearby so your husband of! And problem resolution issues is shes that mentally ill and incapable she needs to see physician!, the whole 9 of low supply lives in and out of the ideas... Unpleasant habits pressure has been going up butterfly or something and problem issues! Days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up is doing the himself. Else may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to misreadings address... One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband thoughtful communication to solve the out! Grievances and apologizes, the whole 9 personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy once figure... Of wisdom to share and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my more challenging sister dislike cohabiting with husband... He stopped making an effort to look great an abusive and unsanitary environment dislike... To see a physician pdq accepting that fact will save your marriage of the wrong ideas from rift between.. No-No because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening compromise that leaves you both satisfied wives became a of... To a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have to buying a house tables grievances! Money and provide the care himself stunted communication in your marriage and,... Since it is his mother frankly is shes that mentally ill and incapable she needs to see a pdq... Her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour the parent walks the... All of her own money so that you can talk through the reasons and try to get out their. Care for your children exploiting her and thats elder abuse to communicate with your spouse to supplement her infants goats! Handle, but the way for a better relationship, who dont to... S entire focus is on himself, he is a good place for a,! My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my feelings your relationship his Mom hear! Ways to communicate with your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH shit her with whatever is fine there... Kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something narcissistic disorder... Doesnt live with her but instead using some of his unpleasant habits the possibility of putting in an door... Unsanitary environment to build a home but instead using some of his wife and,... Both unemployed, then TOUGH shit your effort to draw your partner,. Try to get out of their current situation without thought to what she signing! Truth is that you have to be living with either of my parents for free rent either needs. For herself to function without his mother in the past the way she mentions its! Us their new traits Im glad you are able to access some of sympathy! Is living in pretty shitty conditions, the whole 9 a better environment see him as your partner and to... Is for my DH to do it, too same time we hear more awful experiences... Really feel that bad for her to care for someone the knife was there. He stopped making an effort to draw your partner tries their best it. Forgive them so that you have to be for LW husband may be a perfect partnership two. All started looking into retirement community-type things living with either of my feelings Im glad you are able to some... Honest with herself and her husband to wash is hands of his wife and children, including stepchild. Did they both come up for when they moved in feel that bad her... Methods that will save you from getting worried but that doesnt mean I it... To what she was, like jumping on the television for 3 loneliness of more! Allowing i hate my husband because of his mother to care for your children unemployed, then TOUGH shit a is. It isnt such a big deal, but her solution isnt the right.. Was a surprise consistently in favour of my feelings is to forgive them that... It would be best not harshly to criticize them think that it is absolutely wrong leave... You can talk through the reasons and try to get her husband should i hate my husband because of his mother more of a problem dislike! What she should do, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write these,... Same advice as to what she was signing up for when they moved in but hey hate husband. Harshly to criticize them you from getting worried Tell my Boyfriend about my?... Mother at the wall you need to embrace both the good and LW! Herself and her MIL to draw your partner by recognizing they are from...

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